The Feeling of Unraveling.

This was not the best weekend for me. Rather than delve into all the dirty details, I'll just say that what I'm left with today is the feeling the my life and myself are slowly unraveling. It mostly involves my immediate family and really, life long underlying issues that I've had to deal with there. My assertion that someone I love may be dealing with possible mental illness and the lack of support by said person to someone who so desperately needs support from all of us. Since we were kids, my brothers and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship, but I always felt like we could be open with each other, get angry, but then get over it and move along. Not so apparently, at least for them. Matt always tells me that I am full of holes that allow people to reach in and poke at me, and that I force myself to deal with toxicity at all times because of that. I agree, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's ME, take it or leave it, I won't be changing any time soon. All I can do is choose where and when to express my opinions and protect myself.

While in preschool, I was voted most sympathetic, and that hasn't changed. I feel what others are feeling, I can fully engross myself in someone else's emotions and take on their burdens along with my own, especially with those in my immediate circle. And, believe you me, it IS exhausting, I was emotionally spent yesterday as I weeped with my mother over the issues at hand. And, when a brother arrived, I begged him not to get things going while I was there, it would have just sent me over the edge with nausea. He understands, he didn't want to involve anyone else but my mother and father, hopefully that went well. 

Oofff, I'm still trying to come down from this weekend. On the upside, I did get to scrapbook for almost 12 hours on Saturday at an event up the road from my house. I didn't get as much done as I would have hoped, but I work slowly, painstakingly to give birth to each and everything I create, so it's fine with me. Thanks ladies for a fun weekend.  When I have time, I will post pics of what I did accomplish.

I'm A Winner!!

But, you all knew that. JK. I commented on a blog called The Blah, Blah, Blahg. I just commented and told them my favorite color and voila, I am a winner. I don't know exactly what I've won, but I do know it's a Candace Ang original. Could be jewelry, other than that, I'm not sure exactly what she designs, as soon as I know, you will! You should check out he Blah Blah Blahg, she does giveaways all the time and I NEVER win things, but this time I was lucky. Wahoooo!!!

What's Wrong With Me!

Am I having a hormone surge that I'm not fully aware of? Am I just a stick in the mud? I am just feeling down the last couple of days. Not like depressed, but just not yeah happy like I think I should be. I mean, I could use for the heavens to raineth money down upon us, but we're ok. I think it's because I keep waiting for this stupid reimbursement check to come in and every day it doesn't, I get irritated. But, it's not all about money. Things have just felt sort of rutty lately. Went to the doctor today and knew I probably gained some weight because I'd been eating like a little pregnant piggy and to my shock, I gained over 7 pounds. Wow! For me, that feels like a lot in 2 weeks. Maybe I should try NOT eating 6 meals a day.

In other news, we watched Oprah the other day and have decided to unplug all pluggable items when they are not in use so as to lower of some times excessive energy bill. The last one was for $160 or so, we're going to try to see how low we can go with unplugging as much as we can handle, you know tv, lamps, alarm clocks, radios, stove, furnace/air (just turned off) and turning off lights until we need them. It should be interesting if I can just get Stella to turn her bedroom light off when she leaves her room. So far, so good. I'll let you know what the verdict is.

I Am Heartbroken.

Today I heard something that made me so sad and it even made me cry. We picked Stella up from school this afternoon as we always do and she was telling us about her day. She cut out a stop sign and an arrow for her Stop, Drop and Roll mobil, apparently learning about fire saftey. Then she proceeds to tell us that at snack time a little boy sitting next to her told her she was fat. Her response was that of utter surprise and she stated, "I'm Not Fat!"

Inside I crumpled like a brittle leaf. All my worst fears leapt to the front of my brain and my throat clenched. My little baby may be slightly fluffy, but she certainly is not FAT!!! Damnit! These are my issues, not hers, why does she have to have those words uttered to her? She is beautiful and in my opinion, the cutest girl in her class, this little boy must obviously come from a family where it is acceptable to criticize even the youngest of people for various things. 

Matt's response to her was to tell the little boy, "well, at least my parents are literate, and married!" I half laughed, but inside I was hurt beyond recognition. As I got out the car after the 45 second car ride, I could hold back the tears no longer, even as I type this, I still have tears in my eyes. I called my mom, a teacher at the same school and she advised me to write a letter and that is what I intended to do anyway.

You see, in my preschool class, I was voted most sympathetic, and this is something that has stuck with me ever since, almost like a handicap, so far, Stella doesn't have this gene. God, I am so hurt by that, but luckily, she's a smart little girl, and not yet nearly as sensitive as I am or was. I love her so much.

A Bragging Rights Post.

Today is all about bragging. Well, not boastful bragging, oh well, maybe just a little. First, here is my latest belly shot, 27 weeks today. Wow, I wasn't freaked out until yesterday when I received in the mail a nice little pamphlet titled "New Beginnings Maternity Center at Botsford Hospital" which contains pages upon pages of info dedicated to my delivery day. Yes, it is inevitable, but up until now, I was under the impression that I wasn't afraid of labor this time around. Ha! Suppose I even fooled myself. Alas, here is my latest photo. Oh yeah, here comes the bragging part. Last week at the doctors office, I had to ask them how much weight I've gained, because I honestly hadn't been keeping track. And, guess what, I've only gained 3.25 pounds. Now, it's not as good as when I had Stella, where I only gained 2.5 pounds up until the weekend before I actually gave birth to her, the weekend I put on 12 pounds of water weight and delivered her 5 days later. But, I wasn't sure how my body would behave this time around, I WAS SCARED! There is just something about my body's chemistry while I'm pregnant, however, when not pregnant, it's a toss up. While it may not be appearing on the scale, I indeed am feeling blimpalicious, and this picture proves it.

Today we had a visit from Stella's teacher, part of this preschool programs requirements, a home visit once in the beginning of the year and once at the end. I was a little nervous, as I know that we all know our own children's short comings, but it's still hard to hear them out loud, not discussed in hushed voices with your spouse while said child is in an adjacent room. But, luckily she is doing just fine. She's not ready for the talented and gifted program, but I have learned that I have a very sweet and very tolerant little girl on my hands. Yesterday she came home telling us about a little girl that kept following her around telling her that she wanted to be her friend. Stella told us though in no uncertain terms that she DID NOT want to be this girls friend, but she played with her anyway. I told her that she didn't have to be best friends with everyone, but that she DID however need to be nice and she assured us that she would be. I do know that child she is talking about and I am guilty of harboring the same feelings about her becoming friends with this little girl, but my feelings com from a more shallow and even a little bit of a concerned place. You see, this little girl cries every day before going home because she does not want to go home, and that makes me wonder just what the heck is going on at home. I will never let Stella set foot in that little girls home, I wouldn't want her to be subjected to anything that may or may not be going on there. But, that may be fodder for stories for another day. 

Finally, I decided just what I wanted to do with that wine bottle that I had holding my fake dozen black roses. I decided at about 10pm last night that I didn't want fake black roses just sitting in a wine bottle in my house when Stella's teacher came by to visit so here is what I did with it.

In the close up view I tried to show where I used white ribbon to create a mummy like feeling to wrap the portion of the bottle that was difficult to wrap with paper, I think that I was successful. At least it was creative and as usual, I accomplished it at my pace.

New Addition To My Blog: Favorite Moments

Taking a cue from Jules over at Pancakes & French Fries, I am going to start posting hopefully as often as they occur or at least once a week, my favorite moments of the day/week. So far I have a "Favorite Moments" from the weekend and the beginning of the week.
First and foremost, we got a new couch! YEAH! It's about time. Ikea had a 3 day sale going on and we picked up this spiffy little brown leather couch for $300. We definitely could have put that money to what some would term "better use" but honestly if you could see our old couch, you'd realize why we wanted and needed a new one. Not to mention, with new baby coming, our old couch was not too comfortable nor suitable for feeding and sitting with said baby, so there. Next, Stella is loving school, but told us lastnight that a boy in her class kissed her while they were in line going into gym class. I was quite surprised, and thought it was sort of cute. Apparently he kissed her on the arm, but you could tell she was embarassed. Lastnight she also made an attempt to ride a 2 wheel bike. Matt took the training wheels off quite a while ago, but she just decided to get brave in the last couple of days. Go Stella! And, finally, in the mail we got a little letter from Matt's school stating that because he was almost done with his degree, that he should meet with a counselor to do his senior audit. YEAH! Thank the lord. Once he's done, hopefully he'll find an amazing job and really take over most of the monetary responsibilities. I mean, I'm all for women's lib, but after over 3 years of working quite literally every day all hours of the day, I'm looking forward to a break in the next year or so. I love you Matt, you're my hero!:)

Slightly Bigger Belly.

Since I'm just over 24 weeks, I thought I should post a belly picture. It's funny how much bigger you think you are than when you actually see a picture. I feel like a house, while now I don't see that.

I Already Embarass Her.

Sitting at the kitchen table as it pours rain, discussing going to school tomorrow. You know, feeling out the situation trying to headoff a morning of weepiness. She says to me "why do you have to stay with me at school mom?" I said, "well, tomorrow I don't. I'll be dropping you off at your room, giving you a kiss goodbye and then picking you up when school is over." She says then, "mom, can we kiss outside? I don't want the big kids seeing me kiss my Mommy!" I was stunned, and said "ok then can we at least do our secret handshake?" To this she agreed. Kids....

Is It Halloween Already?

Well, if you've hit ANY store in the last week, yes, yes it is Halloween. Last night we hit Walmart and I discovered the coolest thing. I know they've probably been around every Halloween for the last millenia, but I've NEVER bought them myself. Here they are, 1 dozen black long stem faux roses. I want to have them sitting in this wine bottle, but I want to decorate the bottle for Halloween with some very cool Halloween papers I've got. Other than just doing decoupage, anyone have any suggestions as to what would look cool? Ribbons, whatever? I'm sort of at a creative loss. Thanks for all input.

A Day To Remember.

At the moment I'm watching the 9 11 documentary "102 Minutes That Changed America" on the History Channel and it's all flooding back to me. I feel like I'm on the verge of some tears. Like everyone else, I remember where I was exactly when I heard the news I NEVER thought I'd hear, such horrible things happening in our own country. It was at this moment that I no longer lived with a secure and protected feeling. Maybe this is something that would have happened anyway being that I was in college, but this seemed so different from just that F* the government thing most college kids go through. I don't know about you, but I still don't really feel safe now, 7 years later. Is it just me?

My Little Rock?

The first thing you have to know is, Stella thrives on other peoples attention, always has, and never gives me a hard time about going anywhere, in fact she usually looks forward to visiting new places for as much as I can tell of her personality, she is a perfect combination of extrovert with a little introvert thrown in for security purposes. So, this morning, when this incident took place, it broke my heart to see that my little rock, had started to crumble.

I was awoken in the usual way this morning by a little voice yelling "Mama, I POOOOPED!" Which obviously means come and wipe me. So, I begrudgingly get out of bed to do the duty. After I'm finished, she is suddenly overwhelmed with tears and telling me how she doesn't want to go to school because she'll miss her grammie. In that instance I was taken back to my early school years, when I spent more time faining sick in kindergarten than attending. Her situation was quite similar to mine, my mom was home with my little brother, and my baby brother was only a few months old and to top that off, my father was unemployed at the time. So, needless to say, I HAD to go to school while everyone else was able to enjoy the comforts of home. I vaguely remember those times, but can imagine that I almost felt abandoned in a way. Like, get outta here kid, ya bother me. In reality, it wasn't like that at all, and I'm sure with all that going on, it sort of ruined the whole my baby is off to school thing, but somehow I made it through the public school system and she'll do the same. At least today, I will be there with her,some sort of parent child thing. But, the part that's hard is, I KNOW how she is feeling. That sick feeling in her tummy, being on the verge of tears and all you want is for things to be like they are and have been every day for the last 4 plus years of your life. Maybe it will make it easier, maybe harder, but at least someday I can tell her that I totally understood how she was feeling at that exact moment when she woke me up this morning and she began to blubber on the toilet.

The Final Reveal.

I've been keeping the baby to be's name sort of "hidden" so to speak, just because we weren't exactly certain, but since I've gone and painted it on his wall, here goes. Here a picture of the wall mural and his crib. We just really wanted a strong sounding name that we felt could really stand alone. We also wanted a name we'd never heard before, well as a first name anyway. Since reading up on it, I've learned that it can either be used for a boy or a girl, which I did not consider, but to me, it best suits a boy. No, neither one of us are jewish, not that it matters, but since choosing this name, you wouldn't believe the guff we've gotten. We like what we like and it's the one name of tons that we both agreed on, and since it's now on the wall, there is no way in hell I'm changing it. We are still deciding on a middle name, but my vote is Jefferson, so that if at some point he just hates his name, he can go by CJ. I'm not completely heartless, but what kid just loves there name at every point in their life. I think even just having my name was difficult, simply because there were never many girls with that name I'd heard before entering junior high.
And, not to be outdone, the little miss insisted on having her name on her wall, but it HAD to be different and of course GIRLY! So, here is hers. It isn't quite completed, but we're close.

Her Latest Phrase.

I think it's come from me, but I can't be certain. She will state "My God!" lately when she is either enraged about something or sort of surprised. On the way to the mall tonight we were again talking about the baby and how small he'll be when he's born and then how he'll get big like her and how he won't have teeth but he'll get those and how he will have some hair, but likely he'll lose most of it and then regrow it. Without missing a beat she says, "my god, is it MAGIC?" She is wise beyond her years I think. Here's a cute pic of her in her (I had to buy them, they were too cute and we were already returning a pair of too small tennis shoes) new pink cow girl boots. She loves them already! A girl after my own heart, she loves her some new shoes.

My Creative Girl.

I'd been in a bad mood for a good portion of the day today due to still dwelling on what things my MIL said, but by the time Matt went to school I had chilled out and sat at the kitchen table with Stella as she painted. She is very precise about what she does and really concentrates until which time she decides it's all over. In the span of about 20 minutes she completed 4 wonderful paintings. One of which she proclaimed was her brother. And, to top it off, I died when she told me that she used every color in her palette because she doesn't know what color he'll be when he comes out. Made me laugh out loud. Here are her masterpieces. We even had time to play a round of Candy Land.

Good News. Good News.

I just got great news! Stella has been accepted into a program at the Elementary school for 4 maybe 5 days a week. I don't know yet if it will be mornings or afternoons. I'm actually pulling for PM. Oh, I am so excited, I think she will be too. The best part of this program, it's absolutely FREE! Thank the lord above, he really does hear your prayers, and helps you attract to you exactly what you need. It will really be good for Stella and will make it easier for me to get more hours at work. Hallelujah!

A Small Sneaky Peek.

Since I've been working so hard on the babies room, I thought I'd do a little sharing. It doesn't look perfect yet, but I've only done one coat of paint, so it will take at least one more for each color, maybe more than that. Plus, his name will go in the center portion, and we're doing it in the same style font as the movie "Juno." We LOVE that font, and found it somewhat fitting. Besides that, my wonderfully talented neighbor is going to paint his dresser in much the same manner. So, for now, here's a little sneaky peek. Our colors for the room are a limey yellowy green, aqua and chocolate brown with white as well. Soon, once all is complete, I will show each and every wall. Thanks for looking.

We Are Influx This Weekend.

Well, we have been busy little beavers all weekend, starting to get the babies room going. Matt will be starting school on Wednesday so, as we have decided to move our room to the babies room temporarily for like the first 6 months or so, we have painted and soon will be moving furniture. I will show pictures of what it looks like all newly painted, even down to freshly stripped and soon to be painted vent registers. I'm even doing sort of a wall mural with the babies name on it behind the crib, I'll take pics of that too obviously. A special thanks goes to Steve and all the Dyke family for a job well done. It was a long day for all of us, but the guys forged ahead and finished the job, we couldn't have gotten it done in such a timely manner without you. :) Now, as I sit here, all I here is the VERY loud sound of a saw cutting into my kitchen cabinets. A really sweet neighbor from across the street works for Sears and installs appliances and has offered us a dishwasher, the husband of the woman who loaned me the book "The Secret." They are such lovely people and would give you the shirt off their back if you asked for it. But, in approximately an hour, we will have our first ever dishwasher in the 31-33 years between the both of us. Honestly, someone's going to have to show me how to use it, but I'm thrilled. We honestly don't know what we're going to do with the extra 2 hours a week or so that our almighty dish buildup would take us to wash. YEAH for modern conveniences. When all this work is said and done, I will post pictures. So excited!!

Child Trickery.

Stella has been really funny lately. I mean, she's always funny, but saying funny things and asking "Big Girl" questions. A few weeks ago, while driving home from a day spent at Grandma & Grandpa's, we were talking about the baby. Out of the clear blue, Stella asked us "how did that baby get in momma's belly?" We both looked at eachother, chuckled for a moment nervously and I turned to her and said, "can I get back to you on that?" She said, "ok!" I've yet to decide to tell her anything and she hasn't brought it up again since. It seems like she's too young to be asking a question like that, but I guess it just comes with the territory now.

On the way to grandma's this morning for her usual day at grandma's while I work, we were talking about the possibility of her attending preschool. You see, we applied to get into a free program at the school up the street from our house, that also happens to be the school that my mother is a teacher at. The normal preschool program there runs $100/month, but this program is free and depends on various factors such as income, housing situation and the like. We knew that when we applied, it would be REALLY iffy if we'd even get in, but we thought what the hell, with Matt being in the auto industry, our income varies from month to month and now, with all that we've found out about our mortgage, preschool of $100 or more a month is simply not in the cards, it would literally break the bank. So, I had completely lost all hope of preschool for Stella. Then a couple weeks ago I got a call from the school asking if we were still interested in having Stella attend and I excitedly replied, most definitely. My hope was renewed and I called my mom to see what she thought our chances were and she agreed, if they were calling, then we were probably pretty much in. However, the other day, she went to the school to see what the situation was and was told that there were less spots available than who applied, so she told me not to count on it, but that we still had a shot because she filled the teacher in on our current monetary situation. I don't really want to get in because my mom helped us, but I REALLY don't want Stella to have to miss out on preschool, I know she's ready, she NEEDS this! So, we will find out for sure on September 2nd, keep your fingers crossed. But, getting back to the car ride. So, in all that talking about school, I think she was starting to feel like a big girl and she proceeds to tell me that big girls don't have their grandma's watch them. I laughed and said, are you sad that you're going to grandma's, she promptly said NO, but I thought it was a very funny thing for her to say. The girl who sometimes cries on the weekends when she forgets that she isn't going to grandma's for 2 whole days.

Then, tonight I decided to make eggplant parmesan for dinner. I didn't want to tell Stella exactly what we were having, so I lied and told her it was chicken with cheese and sauce. She ate nearly every bite, but asked me why I made "tires" for dinner? Matt and I both thought it was pretty inventive of her to see eggplants as tires, but not once did she say "this isn't chicken!" When she was done, we told her what it really was and at first she was shocked and sort of disgusted, but then realized that it tasted pretty darn good anyway.

A Positivity Theme.

A very, very kind neighbor has loaned to me the book "The Secret." Cheesey to some yes, but right now, it's exactly what I need. My normal outlook on a daily basis for the last couple years is downright negative and look where it has gotten me. Now, I am taking the blame for past injustices and forging forward in a new spirit of positivity. My new mantra: "Good thoughts are strong, negative thoughts are weak. I'm only going to think good thoughts!" Yes, this is a new thing for me, and in doing so, I have already remembered one good thing today, that will help lessen the pressure we are under when our mortgage readjusts in November, taking $34 worth of pressure each month off of a $130/month stress. Not too shabby!

Been Trying To Keep Busy.

Well, since dealing with the reality of a potential foreclosure, I've been trying to do as much as I can to keep my mind off of it. So far, it's not easy, but yesterday somehow ended up being a good day. I paid for half of my space at the Craftique mall, $20 and brought together 8 projects so far, and I'm going to try to paint something today as well. It was a nice release, and kept me distracted. Here are the pics of my projects currently for sale. They probably won't sell, it's my luck, but my fingers are crossed.